The advantages of being gay

Only recently, I was talking to a friend about the advantages of being gay. Very often people focus on the disadvantages, rather than the benefits. It's only natural I guess. Allow me to point out the advantages we came up with. Most of them apply to both girl-girl and boy-boy, some of them are exclusive benefits for boys. So, if you're a gay guy and are currently a little down because you don't see the advantages of being gay: here is my list o' advantages!

1. There's no hidden "sex secrets". When you are attracted to a boy, you know exactly what you're up to. You know how he thinks, you know what boys like. All this because you are a boy as well. Your own body is like an inherent guru that has taught you almost everything there is to know about yourself, and thus about your boyfriend too.
   
2. Starting a relationship with the same sex is extra sexy. Not only because you are able to admit to each other that you love each other and are therefore gay, but also because you got to have the guts to reveal the relationship to the environment. Having the feeling that you need to defend your love because it seems 'forbidden', makes it extra special.
3. Being gay makes you stronger as a person. I'm not sure if this applies to everyone, but it certainly does for me. Being gay means that you will be confronted with a lot of things that straight people will very likely never come across. You know what it feels like to be discriminated, both personally and as a minority group. This may seem a disadvantage, but you will get stronger because of it.
4. Combined financial incomes are higher. Although there has changed a lot in the bussiness world concerning sex equality, we still can't get around the fact that men still make more money than women. All personal/educational influences aside, men still get better jobs, and almost never encounter the 'glass ceiling' in a corporation.
5. Your wardrobe doubles if you have a boyfriend. If you have the same size, that is.
6. No 'monthly thingy'. This because boys are not blessed with a menstruation cycle. But let's not be unhappy about it. Another related advantage: you can have sex every day of the month.
   
7. No teenage pregnancies. There's no better preservative than being gay. Really. No need to remember when to take the Pill, no need to apply sperm-killing jelly, and you will never have to tell your parents that you accidentally have a bun in the oven.
   
8. Boys are just more gorgeous. (It's a subjective advantage, I know)

XOXO, L.

The F-word (7)

In the mean time, my high school friends had also noticed I had befriended F. Since he had been a topic of interest since the beginning of the semester, things did seem to get a lot more interesting now that he was my friend. The critical question about his sexuality quickly reappeared. We had been discussing it for months, and now the answer to the question seemed closer than ever.
I was curious too. I still wasn't sure. And since we were going to grab a movie together, maybe we would get a little more personal.
But first, I had to go ask him about the movie, since he had told me to remind him. So the week after he had asked me, when our class was done, I decided I would just go and 'pop the question'.
It sounded easier than it was, for I was still pretty insecure. I don't know why, but I felt like a little, shy schoolboy who was about to hand over a very personal love letter to the most beautiful girl (or boy, in this case) at school. Basically, I was just asking a friend to join me to the movies, but I guess the fact that I was really attracted to him, made it feel a little different. I took a deep breath and walked towards him.
He was talking to one of his friends, a girl. She seemed a nice person, a little overweight, desperately trying to cover that up with fancy clothing. I later learned that she had very rich parents, which explains the expensive clothes part.

"Hey" I said to F.
"Hey. Just hold on for a moment" he said, while turning his head in the direction of the girl again, trying to wrap up the conversation. After 20 seconds or something (it really seemed more like a decade, and felt really awkward) the girl took off, and I got F.'s unconditional attention.

"So, hey, L." he grinned.
"Hi, I was wondering if you feel like grabbing a movie this week? You know, like you proposed?" As soon as I asked him, I felt a lot more at ease.
"Oh, yeah, that's right." he said, while thinking if he had still room for me in his dense schedule.
"You know, I've been wanting to watch Sicko for a while now, so I'd really like it if we went to see that movie together."
"That sounds fine with me." I said, totally not caring about what movie we were going to watch.
"What about next Tuesday? I'll come over to your place around 9:30 PM, so we can cycle down there together."

From the moment he pronounced the word "next", I was like say what, brotha? Next week? Another seven f*cking days? I already felt like someone who had been edging his way through ten hours of the finest porn collection in the world, and was then suddenly told he had suspend his climax for another week. Nevertheless, I had no other choice but to agree. The date was pinned. Tuesday 11th of December F. would come to my place, and we would go to the movies together. Finally.
Until then, we texted each other, which felt really great. I talked to my mum about what great friends I had become with F. too, mainly because I found it excruciatingly difficult not to talk about him. He really was a great guy.

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prologue - part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4 - part 5 - part 6 - part 7 - part 8

The F-word (6)

There I was. Sitting with the hottest guy I had ever met. At the same table. Having lunch together.
I was very excited to finally meet him, after checking him out for three months, but it was important to stay cool. This was not an easy task. He looked dropdead gorgeous.
I must say, I was quite surprised that he looked even better from up close, because for most people it works the other way round. Beautiful brown eyes, a great smile... I was dying. His hair and five o'clock shadow looked like he had just gotten out of bed, yet he had this fresh, vibrant look on his face. I also noticed that he was wearing the same outfit as on the day I first glanced him, which happened to be quite a coincidence, because my observational skills had already learned me that he had a wardrobe the size of Russia. To top it of, he liked to talk about everything. I had no other choice than to be into him. The other guy (who wasn't getting my attention) on the other hand, was left with no other choice than to stay silent.
It was hard to pretend that I didn't know who he was, because I was already past the getting-to-know-you-knowledge. Everthing went smoothly, until the end. I figuratively tripped. He decided to give me and my friend a flyer (the very same that led me to his name). Of course I already knew what the organisation was about. And of course I was stupid enough to tell F. that.

"Here, take this flyer. It's about this youth+art+music thing I am a member of."
"Oh", I said, "I know this. Doesn't this thing have a MySpace too?"

Great work L. From the moment the words left my mouth and flew out in the open air, I knew that I was going to have to find a valuable explanation for already knowing about the totally non-famous MySpace of a totally unknown art organisation.

"Hey, that's right! How did you end up on the MySpace?"
"Erm.. I don't know? I guess I got redirected from another website."

Then I named a website, one I remembered seeing as an affiliate on the MySpace. He bought it. In my thoughts, I swept the drops of sweat of my forehead with the back of my hand. Crisis averted. We stood up, and made our way to the exit. On the way, F. saw someone he knew, so he got behind. My friend and I waited for him outside.

"Awww. You waited for me?" he said when he saw us. "That's so sweet of you!"

So started our Tuesday lunch tradition. He joined us every week. One day, while eating rice with an eggroll, he was telling about how much he liked to see movies. But not mainstream cinema. He liked the smaller productions, not the Hollywood ones, which basically illustrates how sophisticated he was. He was different, and confident about it. I think 60% of his sexiness came from the confidence, really.
I continued the conversation by telling that I liked movies too. "That's so awesome!" he said enthousiastically, "We should go grab a movie together then! But not this week, I don't have the time. Remind me of it next week."

We swapped phone numbers, and went to class. I couldn't wait for the next week to come...

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prologue - part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4 - part 5 - part 6 - part 7 - part 8

How it feels to have a stroke

Woops! It's been five days already since we last posted! We're both studying our brains out right now, so I hope that's a valuable excuse. Expect a new F-word episode the day after tomorrow!
In the meantime, make sure to check out this video. I know it'll take 20 minutes of your time, but it'll be worth it. The next 20 minutes may even change your life.

I love you!

The F-word (5)

Around the time I found out what F.'s name was, my social life became a little more active. Since I had entered university, I pretty much stuck to my old high school friends. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but after two months, some new friends were added.
One of those new friends was someone who became a key contact into my quest to get closer to F. Don't get me wrong, I didn't become friends with him just because of F.
One day, I seem to recall it was a wednesday, we had class at 9 AM. I met up with some friends in front of the auditorium, before going in. When we went inside, one of the girls from my essay group, with whom I was standing outside, adressed the guy that would become one of my friends. I sat next to him that day, and from then on, he always joined our group.
The guy was tall, had curly hair, and was just a bit out of shape. Every time I saw him, he kinda reminded me of the lead singer of The Kooks. He played the guitar. I actually noticed this because he had long fingernails. He was a great guy to say the least, but then again, he wasn't very talkative. And once the general getting-to-know-you talk was behind us, it became considerably harder to keep the conversation going between us.
One thing I did notice though, was that he was much more talkative toward girls. And I also noticed he had occasional contact with F. He was in the same essay group as him. An advantage to say the least, for common friends are the best head start you can have in the race to get to meet one another.
The friendship between Mr. Kooks and I quickly flourished. Sometimes, when we had the time, we would even go have lunch together.
One day, it finally happened. We had both agreed to grab lunch together. We met up before the auditorium, when all of a sudden he said:

"Someone else is going to join us for lunch as well. I hope you don't mind?"

My heart skipped a beat. I didn't answer the question. But hell, I didn't mind at all.


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prologue - part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4 - part 5 - part 6 - part 7 - part 8

Wake

If there's one thing that we all have in common, then it is that we are mortal beings. Death is connected to life as is shadow to light. Death is a burden we all have to carry. And when someone dies in our entourage, we all deal with it in our own ways.
Two days ago, I came to know that the father of a high school friend had died. The man was riding his bike when all of a sudden he got a heart attack. He was hospitalized, but took his last breath of oxygen only a few moments after he had arrived there. After hearing the news, I could not imagine what it would be like if I lost my dad. For the last few days, my thoughts were with my friend. I felt a little bad. Mainly because she had lost her dad, but also because I kind of neglected the relationship I had with her. After I had sent her a text message in which I told that I was thinking of her, I decided I would go to the wake. Together with some friends. Just to be of some support.

Meet myself at a funeral.

Whenever I'm at a wake or a funeral, I undergo an emotional feeling that I cannot describe. I don't feel uncomfortable, yet not comfortable. I don't feel sad (unless it's someone I know well), but obviously I don't feel happy. My emotions stay somewhere in-between, as if I am not completely capable of understanding what exactly is happening. I'm in an emotional state I don't have a facial expression for.
Whenever there's a silence, especially long silences, I have the very annoying yet irresistible tendency to start entertaining myself. Instead of reflecting on something that matters, I start thinking about something funny. An inside joke. A hilarious image. Of course, I start smiling. And of course, it is totally inappropriate. After I killed my smile, I anxiously glance round the church, hoping that nobody saw.
I find funerals hard. Not only do you need to cope with a loss of a loved one, but you have to behave according to the rules. With so many rules about what is/isn't appropriate, spontaneous grief seems to be pushed away into a corner, it seems. Almost two years ago, my grandfather passed away. After the funeral service, the family and I made our way to the mortuary, where the coffin was at, so we could pay our last respects. Apparently (I wasn't aware of it at the time) I was standing with my hands in my pockets. But not at all in a relaxed kind of way. It was my way of expressing I didn't know where to stay with myself, a way of expressing that I felt highly uncomfortable. About a week later, someone who saw me said:

"You shouldn't put your hands in your pockets when you're standing next to a coffin. It's disrespectful, you know."

And so I learned another onspoken rule of going to funerals.

Whenever there is a funeral, people speak about going to heaven. I don't really believe in heaven. Nor do I believe in hell. It like some guru in Indonesia once said:

"There's no such thing as heaven or hell. When we die, our souls leave our bodies, and we all go to the same place. Heaven or hell takes place in-between birth and death. It's all about the journey, not the destination"

I like that thought. And I think of it, every time someone dies. We don't get a chance at a second life. So we better enjoy it while we're in it. Right now, right here.