The F-word (prologue)

I always thought guys were easy when it came to being friends. Guys almost never have any problems being around each other. No bitchy gossip behind another guy's back, no pretending, no secret vendetta's, no conspiracies, nothing. To a certain extent, I still stick to my theory. But of course, there are exceptions to the rule.
From the moment I went to my first class at university almost two years ago, there has been that one guy that defied all laws of being a man. He turned my life into a soap that even eclipses The Bold and the Beautiful.
At this very moment, I think it is finally time to write the drama out of my system. The disequilibrium ends today. Since it has been a soap, I find it most appropriate to tell you all about it in -yes that's right- episodes. Cliffhangers included.

Will there be a happy ending? Or a dramatic climax? Stay tuned!

x

PS: I'm sure that someday the guy in person will hear about the posts about to follow. I secretly hope he does. So, in case you read this: I hope you'll enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, haha!

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prologue - part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4 - part 5 - part 6 - part 7 - part 8

Have you heard?

When people get together, they like sharing stories. These stories can be about themselves, or about others. Stories about others, also known as gossip, are generally found most interesting.
Yesterday, my best friend from highschool came by. He's the one I came out to a month ago. He went to a party last week. A lot of my old friends were present, and apparently my coming-out was crowned 'topic of the evening'.
I immediately asked him to fill me in. It seemed that the rumor about my sexuality had already started circulating a little while before the party. For some reason, most people didn't believe that I was gay ("he can't be gay, he plays video games!"), but it didn't keep them from gossiping about it. When my friend arrived at the party, he started talking to people, and validated the rumor. I guess at least 7 people figured it out that night, so now the news will even gain more momentum, like a snowball rolling down a steep slope.
I knew from the beginning that it wouldn't take long for the news to diffuse. I even anticipated it would. It seems that everything is going according to plan, just the way I wanted. And still no negative reactions. I guess I'm a lucky bastard.

L. x

So much truth in twelve words

"Why do we need a breakdown, in order to get a breakthrough?"

Nostalgia

Yesterday I was surfing the net when I bumped into a photography site on Myspace. On the background a very familiar song started playing. When scrolling down I read the title of the song. As soon as it said 'OST Cruel Intentions' I realized what I remembered it from.

It just got me thinking of the time I saw that movie for the first time. Even though it isn't a high standard classy movie, it still is an all time classic to me. So that when I decided to put it on here, just for fun's sake.

Enjoy and reminisce!

Oh, and how suiting is the title for this blog! Hah!

This is 'Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve'


x,
B.

Do you still love me, daddy?

Yesterday I had a serious case of déjà-vu...

Almost 4 and a half years ago I came out to my mother. It was one of the hardest things I had to do in my life. Living for weeks, even months with the fear of being rejected for who you are. 'What if she won't love me anymore?' That was only one of the many questions going through my head at the time. The same goes when it came to outing myself to my friends, but still it's sort of different. I was almost 16 and I had been walking on the tip of my toes ever since I saw that cute new guy in school. Weeks didn't have to pass for him to be outed in front of the entire school. And even though he was rejected by more than a handful of people I respected him so greatly for his courage. He made me realize that it is perfectly okay to be who you want to be. I hàd to meet him.. I was even making bets with my friends daring myself to go and talk to him 'for no reason'.. around that time none of my friends were aware of the fact that that specific guy unleashed a complete new me. Things were getting clearer by the second. I had been fooling myself all these years, trying to convince myself that I was into girls... what was I thinking?

Then I met him.. He had my undying love in a heartbeat. That was the moment I decided it was time to tell my mother. The moment the words left my lips, my heart skipped a beat. 'She accepted it' 'She wasn't going to throw me a party for it but she accepted it'

Although it wasn't entirely negative I still felt deeply unhappy.. not something I would want to experience another time. Too bad... as my parents are divorced for 10 years now I had to tell my father all over again. That was yesterday.. Almost 4 and a half years later. It went perfectly fine. Sigh of relieve.

For the record. My mother DID accept it.. and she's absolutely been the perfect mother ever since I brought home my first boyfriend. Oh.. and that guy I was referring to.. that 'love' didn't last a very long time.. just a case of blind infatuation.

x,
B.

Are you straight or gay?

Rest assured, I'm not actually asking you this question, nor do I need to ask myself. But what if I was confused? What if I wasn't sure about my sexual orientation?
Then there's Google. Hundreds (rather billions) of quizzes await my burning hunger for orientation-related questions, and lately even Facebook often prompts me with ridicule questionnaires. I appalled by the various approaches used to find out if you're gay. Apparently, there's a connection with the size of my ring finger and index finger. Also, color preference, profession and daily usage of the words 'fierce' and 'fabulous' seem to be exact indicators of homosexuality.

Needless to say, every quiz is loaded with gay stereotypes. No, I don't like pink. No, I don't do ballet. And no, I don't like Cher, nor do I wear tight pants while playing with 'toys geared towards the opposite sex'. We should consider getting rid of all the stereotyping. I'm very aware of the fact that it's never going to happen. Stereotypes are persistent. People who have no idea what they're talking about will make bold (and mostly ungrounded) assumptions, and there will always be people that don't have a clue what the world really is like. I'm already very glad that I can get rid of the gay stereotyping in my direct environment. Knowledge is power. So we must spread it.

I have taken around six quizzes today. All of them concluded me as straight and advised me 'to get that lady!'. Sigh. Maybe I'm not gay after all? Maybe I am into girls?

Just kidding. Guys are too beautiful. You're not fooling me, quizmaster.

x, L.

Announcements

Announcements. Ranging from a banal announcement in the supermarket to something very personal you want to confide in someone, announcements are all around us. Everyone, no matter what age or gender, has to make certain revelations about his- or herself during life.
Announcements can be difficult. I, as being gay, am very aware of that. Depending on how accepted the subject is you are going to reveal, and how accepting the people you're telling it to are, announcements can evolve into coming-outs. The less accepting your environment and culture is, the harder it gets.
A woman of 30 years old has to tell her parents that she's pregnant. A major announcement, but not exactly close to a coming-out.
When this woman of 30 years old announces that she's going to be a mother in less than 9 months, very likely no one will have any objections. Our culture says it's okay to have children. When the very same woman doesn't have a husband in a social setting or religion that implies to being married before having children, she's very likely to stumble upon more negative reactions. Her announcement slowly transforms into a coming-out. And what if she was only 15 years old and still attending school? A coming-out that parallels admitting that you're gay.
Coming-outs are all about adjusting your social image to others around you. You give people information about yourself, on which they will or will not judge you. Whether you're telling that you're pregnant, gay, suicidal or something else, the basic foundation of coming-out essentially stays the same, although no coming-out is the same in difficulty.
Last night, someone very close to me told me about his occasional drug use. An announcement? Certainly not.

If only time was on my Side.

Time. Such an overruling concept. Without time there's nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Thank God for time you'd say. That's true, but have you ever considered both sides of the medallion?

You are in a constant battle with time. Which brings you in a constant battle with yourself. Like there are two different sides of you. One that goes right and one that goes left. Consider this example.

The past few days I've been with my family in a town near the sea. I had so much fun, just being away from everything and (almost) everyone. It almost brought me my minimum dose of loneliness (see 'Loneliness.. by Mayhe')! Even though I enjoyed myself every second of the ride, there was one downside: I missed my boyfriend terribly. It's a very weird sensation. Everyone has missed someone, I am safe to presume, but this felt so different to me. I don't know whether I had ever felt this feeling before. I had boyfriends before and I missed them aswell, but it felt as if a piece of me went missing for a couple of days and I was in a constant struggle to try and find that piece, just to find myself missing it even more. Now that we have this example in the back of our heads it's not so difficult to make the analogy.
Time frame 1: You miss your boyfriend i.e. you want time to go as fast as possible, just to be reunited.
Time frame 2: You are finally far far away from all the clutter in your life, school, the drag of every day life i.e. time should be allongated, there should be an extra 24 hours in every day of the week.

This is a silly thing to be discussing, you might think, but if you just put your thoughts to it for a couple of minutes, you might see that in every aspect of life you will see both sides of that time-medallion.
Well, I can already hear you thinking now: 'Gosh, when I'm on a holiday the only sort of time I want is extra time, let time be as long as possible!'
Is that so? Even when you are on a holiday most of us who are lying in the sun, will most likely think -at least for a split second- 'wow, can't wait for that tan to kick in', indicating that time just can't go fast enough.

Just think about it.

x,

B.

My inspiration

My days as a hermit are finally over. Today I got my hair cut. It looks presentable again, and I'm really glad about that. I don't consider myself to be very vain, I just feel it's a matter of self respect to look good. As for me, looking fine equals feeling well.

Approximately two years ago, I felt my mind started maturing. I was growing up emotionally. This process would climax on 26th September, 2008. This was the day I first came out to my mother. She was the very first person to know. It was the very first time I ever said out loud I was attracted to the same sex.
Don't get me wrong, my inner growth has never stopped ever since. I don't think it'll ever stop, to be honest. I'm still collecting bits and pieces of interesting wisdom. As we grow older, and our cellular structure gets affected by the flow of time and the eerie resistance of life itself, our mind grows older as well, gathering more and more knowledge every day. Some people have much greater inner strength than others. The Dalai Lama is very likely to have accomplished more on an inner level than my grandma. It doesn't matter really, as long as you're happy with what you got, things are okay.
Much of my inspiration for inner peace I got from Davey Wavey (I initially followed his blog due to his hotness, only to discover that the actual content was as great as his body). But, most of my inspiration I got from Oprah. Much of her shows she devoted to 'The Secret'. It's no secret, really. Basically, it's all about the law of attraction: when you are happy, you'll attract happy people. Being happy thus results in more happiness. To a certain extent, I do believe that there's something like this 'law of attraction'. That's why I'm happy all the time (or at least I try to be). I like to see the best in things. When something bad happens, I like to believe that it happened for a reason; it occured because I needed to learn from it, so I wouldn't make the same mistake again in the near future.
I must admit, I was pretty fanatic about the whole 'attraction' thing. Although I believe this law of attraction led me to be friends with B., the ship has sailed. For several months, I started reading a new chapter in my book o' mind. Now, I listen to my body. I must take care of my body. It's the only vessel I have in this lifetime, so I ain't going to mess it up, you know. The actual goal of this new chapter sounds easy, but it can be very hard to achieve: I'm going to try to become completely comfortable with myself. Love myself for who I am. Being confident.
I've made some excellent progress over the last two years, but I'm not there yet. I'll send you guys a post card when I get there.

<4, L.

Train frenzy

Finally. Easter break has arrived the building. The sun shining bright, I packed my bags and left Leuven to go back home again. Carrying a heavy bag, two backpacks and a tennis racket, I was glad to finally reach the station. I got on the train, pulled a comic book out of my backpack, stretched out my legs and waited for the train to reach its destination.

The train rushed through the sunny landscape while I lost myself in my not-so-deep literature. Breaks. The acceleration quickly dropped. I picked up my assortiment of bags and made my way to the closest exit out of the train. I pushed the button to open up the door of the train compartment. I pushed it again. The door didn't open. I franticly started pushing the other buttons as well (including the one to close the door, making no sense at all), in a desperate effort to open the thing. Behind me, a guy was waiting to get off as well. He was approximately 21 years old, carrying two bags, dressed in casual clothing. His hair was long, tied together in a pony tail.
In a matter of split seconds, I realised that the door wasn't going to open up at all, so we had to hurry our way to the other side of the compartment. I looked like a fool. I held my bags high, trying not to bash people on the way while I was running between the seats. With only three meters to go, I could hear the signal of the doors about to close. My heart rate went up by at least 30 and sweat emerged in places I didn't even know I could sweat. I reached the door.

"CRAP"

The doors had already closed. The train started moving again. The guy who followed me could read the frustration on my face. Why the f*ck didn't that door just open up?
Incoming call. My mom. She told me that she was running a bit late, and that I probably would have to wait a bit before she could pick me up.

"You're not going to believe this..."

Luckily for me, my mom just left the city my train was headed. She turned around her car, and decided to pick me up at the next station. Tough luck for the other guy. I told him that I had never experienced something like this before. He didn't understand me. Turns out that he was Norwegian, and could only understand English. His plane landed in Belgium this morning, and he was supposed to get of the train in the previous train station to meet up with some friends. They would then go to Graspop together, a gathering for metal fans. He was a very friendly guy, and also the first Norwegian person I met in my life. We talked about the line-up of Graspop, and about how cheap the beer is here.

Fifteen minutes later we arrived. I gave our Norwegian guy some directions, so he would get the right train back to the appropriate station, and also managed to attain that he didn't have to pay for the ride back. I asked an employee why I wasn't able to open the door earlier. Turned out the door could only be opened with a special key, because it was a door to put bikes on the train. Let me just add that the door looked exactly the same as the other ones (with the same buttons on the side), with no sign whatsoever that it was not to be opened by passengers. Talking about good non-verbal communication. I'm sure I'll mail my complaints to the ombudsman of NMBS, thank you very much.

x, L.

Earth Hour.

4 Days, 12 Hours, 54 Minutes.

The amount of time passed since the infamous 'Earth Hour' last saturday.

Have you thought of it since?
Well I have, but our blog is the main reason for that.
Last saturday I didn't entirely participate in the world's great attempt to turn off all the lights for one whole hour. Concerning the initiative I have to admit it is a beautiful gesture towards the environment, towards our planet. But in that respect, I'm not entirely convinced it will actually save our beloved planet. It's true that it raises awareness concerning the environmental polemics, but does it put people into motion?

For example my younger brother made a big deal out of earth hour that evening, turning off all the lights in the room I was sitting in that night and the rest of the house, only to turn on every light that led the way to his bedroom.

That's what got me thinking about this 'little initiative'. Isn't it just a perfect way for people to feel less guilty about their abuse of finite sources? It's the hypocrisy that just really bugs me..
Personally, I really feel the urgent need for action in respect to global warming and finite sources running out, but I also do feel that I actually make a part of these hypocrites. While I'm perfectly aware of the need for raised awareness, I also tend to forget to act aware.

Of course gathering people to turn off the lights for one hour, sure has an impact on some of us, but does it create magic like it should? Does it create its desired effect? People who unite in one front against global warming, trying to make amends with nature?
I sure hope it does, because then I'm in!
For now, let's just continue trying to put the issue in the spotlights and let the hypocrites believe they're doing something for the earth when engaging in the 'Earth Hour'.

4 Days, 13 Hours, 46 Minutes.

x,

B.

Small world

It's very likely that you already heard about the 'six degrees of seperation'. It's a theory that states that, through less than six connections between people, you can reach every person living on this planet. In other words, you know a person who knows a person who knows a person who knows a person who knows a person who can personally introduce you to the Queen of England.
But is it really true?

Perhaps we can never entirely prove this theory to be correct. But just do the test. Let's say that you, my precious reader, want to get personally introduced to the newly elected president of The United States: Barack Obama.
You know me through my blog or in real life. I, on my behalf, have a friend that lives in America. He has already spoken to the president. There. It took you only two steps to get to the White House. A third step would basically get you anywhere on the planet, since Barack Obama has a lot of international connections. Intruiging how fast you got there, isn't it?

With the recent upcome of Facebook, these social connections are more obvious than ever. I am very often stunned by how many friends of mine know other acquaintances, without me knowing. A complex social network, wrapped around the Earth, through which we are all undeniably connected. It's a small world after all.

<3 L.