Loneliness.. by Mayhe.

Loneliness.. a word that saddens your thoughts the very second you read it out loud. Yet, when you start thinking about it...loneliness can be such a good thing. It just gives you peace.. quiet.. serenity.
I think for some people.. loneliness should be a much desired pass-time.

The past few weeks have been so utterly busy. Constantly buzzing from one place to another. Staying up late, waking up early, just leaving you with an unsatisfied feeling of tiredness. This is where the lonely part kicks in.
I never want to be lonely, or féél lonely, but isn't being lonely sometimes a sort of relieve? Something that just causes perfect alleviation...and even though this might make it seem as if having a busy life is only a crutch to bare, no less is true. I enjoy every second of my life.
A walk through the park when the sun shines, waking up and hearing the birds sing early in the morning, being completely bored out of my ass when I'm in class. EVERY freaking aspect of the annoyance I experience when having to deal with stress related issues. It's all there, it's all great. Wouldn't want to miss it.
But every now and then you just want to escape. To clear you head. To be.. lonely.

Because when you're lonely, you have all the time there is to think, to relax.. just..to be. Nothing or no one to worry about.
Is there such a thing as tranquility in 2009, a world where everyone is in a hurry and no one ever has time for 'loneliness' ? I think it is very important to create that time.

A friend of mine made this picture above. I think it's great, just because it evokes so many different feelings. The title of the picture is 'Loneliness' and I think it is a perfect description of what the picture displays. Yet.. by looking at it, I experience a little bit of the positive loneliness as well. It brings a smile to my face. Because the girl in the picture, is very much at peace with herself I think. And thàt is the feeling of relieve everyone should experience now and then.

Far away from all the busyness.

x,

B.

photo by Mayhe.

Pyramid of boys

Birthday parties. I can't get enough of them. I had another one tonight. Great times. We gathered with some friends, drank some wine and ate some M&M's. Then, around 00h30, we decided we would go to a bar.
I like dancing, but I don't like drawing too much attention with my queer dance moves. Most of the time, when I'm around guys, I tend to look around and observe how they dance. A vast majority just stands still. You know the type, pasted to the wall, beer in hand, checking out everything of interest that passes by. But, I really didn't feel like just standing there, so I switched on my 'straight' limbs and hips, and tried not to color outside the 'straight' lines. I don't know if the result looks somewhat less gay. I probably just looked ridiculous. Either way, I didn't really care too much anymore when more people started to dance around me, camouflaging my moves.

When I'm not looking at my feet or talking to a friend, I find myself constantly watching around checking out guys. Tonight, most of the guys were straight, and maybe that made them a tad hotter. Three types of guys can be distinguised.

1. Roomfillers. It doesn't matter if they're straight or gay, these are the ones that are certainly not your type. They are present in great numbers, mostly flocking together in smaller groups. They don't have to be entirely ugly, but an aspect of their appearance makes you detest them. For me, these detestable aspects include e.g. earrings or greasy hair. It's a personal thing, of course. I'm sure you can think of other things you wouldn't like.

2. Hidden handsomeness. These are the ones that don't look beautiful at first, but the more you look at them, the more you'll start to like them. It's as if you grow accustomed to a guy you initially didn't notice. They are noticably not as numerous as the previous type. These are the guys you could end up falling in love with, if you would have the chance to get to know them better.

3. Jacking off material. Certainly the most uncommon kind amongst all male beings. You can't describe why, but you find yourself always checking them out when you don't have anything else to look at. These guys are hot. Incredibly hot. You can't concentrate on other things anymore. I only spotted two of these guys tonight. I assumed they were both straight, but I don't care. It's eyecandy nevertheless!
L.

Favorite YouTube moments (2)

I don't know if you have already seen this one, but the inventivity of it makes me smile. Oh, yes, I posted the male and female version of the video, so you can decide which one you like best. Enjoy!

The ballet boy

I went to my sister's ballet performance tonight. Actually, my sister doesn't do ballet, but jazz dance. The performance consisted of two classical parts, and one 'modern' part, the latter being the one my sister was in. The show was great.
I know, from previous performances, that the audience reacts to one choreography in particular. It's the piece where the youngest girls dance. They look cute, make funny mistakes while dancing, and always seem to steal the show with their disarming youth. Yet, this year, things went slighty differently. All of a sudden, a boy of approximately 8 years old entered the stage. He was clothed similarly to the girls, of course, but seemed obviously more boyish than the rest. His appearance was accompagnied by a low key mumbling amongst the people watching, not sure if he was in fact a boy, because he had long blonde hair, just like most of the girls, the only difference being that his hair was hanging loose. And he was wearing pants. I think the pants did the trick.

At the show's finale, I applauded even harder when the boy entered the stage for the curtain call. I applauded for his performance. He was a better dancer than most other girls on the stage. I applauded for his parents, who let him do what he wanted to do, for not saying "Ballet isn't for boys, why don't you go play soccer, like the rest of your friends?" But most of all, I applauded for his courage. Try dancing at an age when every other boy in your class dreams of becoming a n° 1 soccer player, not to mention the high risk of getting bullied.
Dude, whatever your name is, you rock!

x, L.

Progression

Today I tuned in on the Oprah show. I love Oprah. It's a dream of mine to meet her, although I know that it's very unliky that it'll ever happen. On today's show (I think it has been broadcast november 2008 in the US) two guests, a boy and a girl of respectively 16 and 21 years old, came to tell about their coming-out. It sure wasn't a 'regular' coming-out. Turned out that both of them were transgender. Being gay myself, I could only wonder what it must have been like for them to tell someone about this, not to mention the confusion in their own minds. I admired them for not surpressing their feelings, showing everyone who they really were.

At the startling age of seven (yes, that's right, seven) Julia (who is now Jake) told her parents that she felt like she was born in the wrong body. Her mother initially identified her as a lesbian, very soon to find out that a second son was on his way.

Obviously, seeing your daughter/son transform into the opposite sex isn't easy. Change is never easy. Going from a different Facebook lay-out to a child that wants to become the opposite sex, the mind needs to get used to the altered situation. The same goes out to all of the parents of gay children. Jake's mother, who took a very progressive stance, put it this way:

"It's not like losing a child, it's losing a dream."

I was struck by the beauty and truthfulness of this quote. It perfectly described how my parents felt when I came out to them. They knew I was still the same, but their minds had to adjust the dreams they had for me. They are still getting used to the new situation, step by step. I'm sure they'll get there, eventually.
After the show, Oprah emphasized the progress that had been made over the last 20 years. Back then, being gay was as much taboo as being transgender is today. We're not entirely there yet, but the progress has been amazingly great. I hope and wish that, 20 years from now, children can already come out at a very young age, as soon as they gain knowledge about what being gay or transgender means. So, thanks Oprah, for clearing the way a little bit more. I love you!

L. <3

Hollywood love story

Today I was invited to yet another birthday party. This time it was my cousin who turned 18, and he invited us over for a juicy slice of cake. Unfortunately, the party forced me to take the train to Leuven (the city where I study) at half past nine, whereas I normally take the train one hour earlier. I initially thought it was a good thing, because the train at eight o'clock is always stuffed with students. That was of course until I saw that the train I had to take was so crowded that even a near-dead anorexic person couldn't squeeze in. A stampede of around 100 students tried to cram themselves into the already overfull cars of the train. I pushed my way into the train, quickly tossed my backpack onto one of the overhead compartments, desperately trying to make room for the ones behind me. I ended up in a small 1x2 metres space in-between the carriages with (yes, lucky me) a girl.
She was wearing a green sweater with a white top underneath. Her jeans fitted well. Blonde hair, with curls, and I guess she had blue eyes. She had beautiful teeth as well. It's pretty hard ignoring each other when your standing in a space the size of a curver box, so I decided to open the conversation.

"Sure is a stuffed train."
- "Yeah, haha, it kinda is"

The ice was broken. We started chitchatting about all kinds of stuff. She told she was a soon to be dentist. That explains the marvelous teeth part. Even though the conditions given weren't optimal, we had a good talk. Or at least I had.
Sooner than expected, we arrived at the train station, and students poured out of the train. When she got of the train, she threw me a smile and thanked me for helping her with her luggage earlier.
It seemed a perfect script for yet another corny Hollywood movie. According to an average movie, I was supposed to ask her if she didn't want to go grab a coffee with me someday. Then I would scribble my phone number onto a little piece of paper. She would call me, we would have a great time. Then the kiss. Sex. Marriage. Maybe a little drama in-between.
Of course, real life doesn't always turn out like a Hollywood movie. So, I don't know if there's someone up there watching over us, but the next time you stuff me into a small compartment and someone has to join me, please let it be a scorching hot guy, 'kay?

x
L.

A Day in the Life of...

Haven't you ever wondered what it'd be like to spend a day in the life of someone else?
A boy in the life of a girl and vice versa? Everyone must have talked about how it would feel to suddenly be able to pee while standing up or to have a pair of breasts?

Well, last week I had a costume party so everyone had to dress up and like on every costume party you see cowboys, indians, hot nurses, etc.
I decided to use the opportunity to dress up like an entirely different subculture species:
the Emo.
What I didn't know when I made that decision, is what kind of consequences that would bare.

A friend of mine helped me get ready.. I had the slightly tight pants, the overall black outfit and the styled hair.. all I needed now was some finishing touches like eye make up and some black finger nails. I resembled a runaway band member => GREAT!

It had a not so desirable effect on people. Some people were just absolutely incapable of not staring at me. Although I was completely ecstatic about my outfit and look, I received some very nasty looks from some people.
Was that how it feels like to be part of a subculture like this?
I've been openly gay for about 3 or 4 years now. As we all know, a gay person is very often discriminated against, so I definitely know what it feels like when people can't stop judging you before even having talked to you. Still, that night I couldn't help but feeling even more disgusted with some people's narrow-mindedness.

Couple of days after the party I ran into one of those narrow-minded bastards. It even apologized for how he had behaved around me on the party, and admitted he was just freaked out by my looks that night. Auwch, that hurts. I looked quite good actually.. well no, what I'm trying to say is that it would be very difficult to be in the life of such a person, wouldn't it? Having to face people's reactions every single day...or am I overlooking something here?
Maybe it's actually their intention to create attention?

Whatever it may be:

One thing is for sure, I'm absolutely going to try not to judge people by their cover anymore. It's just stupid and superficial.
"Easier said than done", I hear you think?
True, but let's just try, right?

x

B.

Ladies night

"On an average day, this place is occupied by 95% of dick and only 5% of chick." a friend entrusted me, when I was looking through the window of a bar called 'Délibiré'. The sound of this statement sure was promising. That was before he added: "It's ladies night tonight, there's going to be lots of girls". Darn.

We entered the building around 3 AM, a tad late it seemed, because the party had already climaxed and was now smoking a cigarette in bed.
It sure had attracted more girls than usual, but there were still more men than women. The (very) few hotties present could be located in the front compartiment of the bar. The back area of the bar was decorated with posters of muscled Armani underwear models. This is where most of the girls were standing. Some of them were dancing. Some of them were making out with each other. The guys in the back area were pretty touchy as well. Me likey.
The bartenders were all shirtless, wearing nothing but pants and a pink bowtie. Some of them had a red rose stuck down their trousers. The idea of using shirtless bartenders was obviously very good, until someone decided to use geeks for bartenders instead of hunks with killer smiles. Okay, their physique wasn't that bad, then again, some of them had teeth that made Spongebob Squarepants look like an orthodontic miracle.

What I didn't like was the music. For a ladies night, one would at least expect some popmusic, yet this wasn't the case. Sure Katy Perry kissed some girls and Britney sang about her circus, but the scarcity of nice music was very soon replaced by dance music. Also, the deejay decided is was a good plan to play every song only briefly, which added to the annoyance.
I left the party around 3:40 AM. I'm not sure what to think. Perhaps a ladies night isn't my thing after all.

Peace out!

L.

Speculation

If there's something I have learned of the past few weeks, then it's that there's no use in trying to predict people's reaction to certain things in live. We cannot deny that speculation is part of human nature. We are trying to foresee things on a daily basis, trying to prepare ourselves for oncoming events. When we don't have enough information available, we start getting scared. Nobody's scared of a walk in the forest by day, but when it turns night, we get terrified. It's not the forest on itself that's scary, it's the lack of information. We desperately try to get more information by speculating over what might be there. And that's what makes us wet our pants.

I started coming out last year, somewhere in September. Yet it took me another half year to finally come out to my best (male) friend from high school. In the meantime however, I didn't stop telling other people I was gay. I also told those people about that one friend I still needed to tell. I wanted to know their opinions, how they felt my best friend would react. I speculated so hard, my mind was almost paralyzed. Looking back, I can only determine that the information I got from myself and others was in fact useless; there was nobody who really knew how my friend was going to react. In fact, he was the only one that knew.
The countless hours I spent thinking about how he would react made me nervous. It made me postpone the very evening I would tell him. I was afraid of the dark. I didn't want to walk through the dark forest o' coming out.
Last Friday, I finally pulled myself together. He reacted well. I felt stupid over the fact that I tried to predict how his reaction would be, because I knew that it was ridiculous. The relief was ecstatic.

I'm not saying that speculation is a bad thing. I even like it when I'm sitting next to B. in the auditorium, speculating about whether or not some guys that walk by are gay. Just don't exaggerate. Think straight. Convince yourself that there's no use in trying to predict. Plunge in, head first, and see what happens. You'll manage to survive, I'm certain.

X
L.

the 'Ex'-files

Woow..

the past few days have been utterly enoying. Are there some re-runs of 'the X-files' I'm not aware of or am I the only one that has to deal with all the 'Ex'-files?

It's almost as if there's an epidemic breaking loose of 'ex-boyfriends-on-the verge-of-complete-destruction'. Well anyhow, personally I am not one of the pleased parties when it comes to their path of destruction. What is the deal with ex-boyfriends àlways coming back into your life or into the life of your 'not so ex'-boyfriend right about around the time they shouldn't? Do they have some sort of radar that alerts them to start making trouble as soon as you are back on the right track, just happy with who you're with?
Well in that case, I think they should get that radar OFF the market, asap! Because I'm not digging it.

It's just the most frustrating thing to have an ex of your boyfriend lingering around, waiting to feast on its pray as soon as it's back on the market!
And then I didn't even get started about my òwn Ex..
that just swoops in all of a sudden, claiming not to be over you and banishing you from his life until he is. "What about being friends? It's been a year?"
Well, if I had to choose between the two opposites I'd prefer the ex that stays away over the ex that just won't back off any day.. but still, why can't they just be.. 'normal'? Just people of which you are aware of their existence. No more drama, no more feasting, no more banishing.

Oh, L. perhaps I should borrow that almighty 'book of answers' from your friend. That might work?

x,

B.

Book of answers

Yesterday, I was invited to the humble birthday party of a friend of mine. Despite of being the only boy at the party, I still had a good time. One of the presents she got for her birthday was a book called "The book with all the answers". It's basically a paper version of this website.
The goal is simple: if you have a question, you hold the book in your hands, repeating the question out loud (or not). Your hand is supposed to go up and down the pages. If you feel like the time is right, you open up the book et voila: the answer to your question is right underneath your nose.
We started out asking the book about banalities, varying from "Will I meet my boyfriend tomorrow at the store?" to "Will L. become a porn star?". As we kept passing along the book, rubbing it while asking questions about our future jobs and boyfriends, I couldn't help but wonder: Does fate exist, or doesn't it?

I'm not sure what to believe. If fate exists, it would imply that our lives on this blue marble are already predestined from the moment we are born. The road we need to walk has already been paved. There is no such thing as choice, for it would merely be an illusion on the way to our ultimate destiny, whatever that may be. This may sound very confusing at first, but just think about it. Imagine you have an apple in the fridge. At some point during the day, when you start feeling hungry, you are offered the choice to eat or not to eat that apple. You might think you really have a choice, but it is in fact an illusion. Fate has already decided that you're not going to consume that very apple anyway, which makes you go out for dinner, because it is predestined that you will meet the love of your life at the restaurant.
Our lives are made up out of little chain reactions that interact with each other, and fate (or the universe, as you wish) watches over us, and manipulates us into ways so we eventually end up where destiny wants us to end up.

Of course, this is just a theory, but it's fun material to think about, isn't it?

L.

PS: According to a fortune cookie I ate yesterday, a holiday to Hawaii is predestined for me. Hurray!

"The In Crowd"

Oh, L. , I'm already buckled up my friend and boy are you in for a treat!

Well, while L. was experiencing what it REALLY feels like to have adrenaline running through his veins at the sight of all that hotness, I was experiencing my very own type of adrenaline. Unfortunately it didn't involve a crowd of hot guys, rather an entirely different crowd:

"the In Crowd".

Okay, let's rewind for a second here.
Unlike L. I am no longer 'theoretically gay'. I've had my share of field experience and 'first times' (first friends, first party, first kiss, first.. whatever) and consequently a LOT of life lessons. There's only one thing I never seem to be prepared for. Meeting the friends.

Yesterday I had one of those encounters. After hanging out with my own friends, I headed back to my place only to discover that everyone was already asleep or out. It was 11 PM. What the hell was wrong with everyone? So there I was, on a Thursday night, alone in my room. Not quite what I had in mind when I planned my Thursday evening earlier this week. So, bored of my ass I text my boyfriend, who had a dinner party with his friends, to tell him I was going to hit the sack. Couple of minutes later: "Hey, why don't u join us?x'
Ehhhm, what the heck. It's not like I had anything else to do. The minute I decided I would join him and his friends on their game of 'Black Box' (a game I had never heard of before), my heart started throbbing in my throat. Damn. There would be 8 friends. EIGHT friends... and they'd all be looking at me as soon as I set foot in that kitchen. After having paced up and down my room 20 times or so, and having checked my teeth and hair another gazillion times, I was ready to go.
"They would like me! Right?! "
I closed the door behind me, my heart racing like hell, and I started walking. There was an icy wind blowing my hair in every possible direction (well duh, I couldn't have expected my hair to be untouched by the time I reached his front door, how naive) and flushing my cheeks only to make the éxtra contrast with my pale winter skin colour that makes me look like I'm suffering from some sort of insomnia. I entered his front door only to be greeted very warmly by everyone in the kitchen. "Hii!! Why don't you grab a chair in the next room?"

And just like that everything seemed to be alright again. What was all that stress about again?

Well L., brace yourself, there's a lot more to follow your unforgettable first time amongst us.
You ready?

x,
B.

Reporting back home...

... about my first time going to a gay bar. I decided to start writing immediately after I got back, because I didn't want sleep to chase away the already made up sentences in my head, let alone the juicy details.
Nineteen years ago mother nature dropped me on this globe, yet it took the same amount of time for me to find entrance to the gay scene. Until a few hours ago, I was what B. calls 'theoretically gay': I knew the theories, but I lacked field experience.

I'm not going to lie, I was pretty scared and excited at the same time. A slight feeling of nervosity struck me when I left my house and headed towards Key West. Of course, I didn't go all by myself. I was accompagnied by two of my friends, both of the female sex. One likes girls, the other likes guys. I wouldn't be lying if I told you that they could already be situated slighty on the right side of the sober-drunk continuum.
My first impression of the bar was good. It was pretty cosy, and certainly not too crowded. We met up with another girl and her flamboyant gay friend. He was wearing black leather bracelets with sharp-looking iron things on them (interpret as: not my type of guy) and had energy for two. He sure was the party man.
Where, on an average party, it takes about an hour for me to get in the zone, the environment (consisting of good music combined with hotties) got me going almost immediately. I had a good time, and that feeling was not alleviated by the (sometimes) hot make-out sessions behind me, on the contrary.
Around 3 AM, when the music turned more and more "thumpa thumpa" instead of music that could also be found in my Itunes library, I decided it was time to leave.

Fasten your seatbelts, B., because this baby is just getting started.

Peace out!

L.

Poking spring

The weather has been awful these last few days. Rain, a cold wind that cuts through every piece of clothing and a cloudy sky had started to detoriorate my happy mood. Although I really like the winter, I can't wait for the spring to start.
Today, when I was walking from the auditorium to my house, I couldn't help the warm, fuzzy feeling of soon-to-be spring developing inside of me. Some rays of sunlight pierced through the cold, thick clouds, as if the spring was poking the winter with a stick, suggesting that it was time for him to get off his lazy ass and disappear.
An old woman, somewhere in her eighties, was standing in her front yard with a brownish bag in her hands. She was wearing a not so fashionable trench coat combined with basic black shoes. The plastic cap on her head gave away that she might have expected sudden rain on her trip from the yard to the other side of the street. She gently pushed open the fence in front of her, and started moving towards a green patch of grass on the other side of the road. It took a considerable amount of time for her to reach the grass, given that her accuracy was not equal to that of a dartling teenager. From the moment her feet touched the grass, dozens of pigeons landed right before the woman. She opened up her bag, and unleashed a large amount of old bread, as if she had been saving it up until the very moment the sun started shining again and she could go outside to feed it to the birds.
I couldn't help but smile. At moments like these, I want to slap myself for not having a camera on me. Spring is crawling up on us. I like it.

L.

All you need is love?

"Above all things I believe in love." Ewan McGregor claims in the 2001 hit movie Moulin Rouge, "Love is like oxygen- love is a many splendored thing- love lifts us up where we belong! All you need is love!"

So that got me thinking! All you need is love?
Let's consider that for a second...

Let's say your boyfriend tells you he isn't hungry, or feeling any of the other vital urges to feed or hydrate himself: 'It must have something to do with the fact that I'm in love'.
Isn't that the SWEETEST THING?

But still... is that possible? I must say.. I'm véry much in love (no doubt about that), but when I woke up, first thing on my mind was: "When do we eat?"
Okay.. not the very first thing on my mind, but still.. my vitals were all very stable and healthy let's say.
Still,
isn't it incredibly romantic to believe in love being the only thing keeping you alive? Wouldn't that be the best thing to have ever happened to you?

Personally, I'm a realist when it comes to such things, but still.. when I start to réally think about it..
there are many people who actually don't feel hungry when they're UNhappy.. then.. why couldn't it be possible for people to start feeling the same things when they're actually happy?

Anyhow, I wouldn't recommend anyone to actually TRY to survive on love, because it's not like there's scientific proof of anyone ever having survived on love, but hey.. who am I to criticize the romantic among us? Heck, I'm a romantic myself!

Well, it was just something that came to mind when I was trying to get some sleep last night, but still, for argument's sake: something interesting to reflect upon, right?

x,

B.

Her Morning Elegance

A few days ago, when I was cruising the Internet, I stumbled upon what I believe to be one of the most awesome video's I had ever seen. It's pure art. And it's intense and dreamy at the same time. You'll love it. L.

Bittersweet Satellite

Hi! My name is L., and I'll be running this blog together with B.

Allow me to properly introduce myself. My name is L., and I'm 19 years old. I'm a student at the Catholic University of Leuven, situated in Belgium, a country known for its delicious French fries and insane political system. Don't worry, this blog won't be about political shit. I don't really like politics. I like interesting stories, stories that are recognisable, stories that make people pause their lives for just a few seconds. Stay tuned. We'll start blogging very soon. Fo' sho.


Heyy! I'm B. and I'll be part of this blog as well. As mentioned before by L. there will be no boring shizz on this blog, just stupid everyday reflections on stupid everyday life. You know, just to give you guys some insight in what the hell is going on in the back of our heads!
Well, more blogging will follow very soon! Keep tight!

x

B. and L.